And welcome to my first newsletter in approximately a million years, where I answer some questions about being nonbinary. This is all my opinion, and it’s really just the basics. I love being nonbinary, and I love talking about gender.

What does it mean to be nonbinary?

Nonbinary is an umbrella term for people who don’t identify completely as a man or woman. Identifying completely with one gender means you feel like that gender, all the time. Anything other than that could be considered nonbinary.

I am nonbinary and also agender—I don’t have a gender at all. Other nonbinary people may partially identify with one gender and partially with another, or partially with one gender and partially no gender. It’s a broad spectrum!

​How do I know if someone is nonbinary?

They tell you. That’s pretty much the only way you’ll know. There is no particular look or set of characteristics that will let you know someone’s gender.

​How do I know if I’m nonbinary?

That’s something only you can decide! Your identity is your own. Often, wondering about your gender is a sign you might not be totally cis.

When I was trying to figure out my gender, it was really frustrating not to be certain. I wish I had realized that it was okay to try things out. You’re not taking up space from a “real” nonbinary person by trying out they/them pronouns, even if you’re cis. If you think you might like a different name, ask people to use it. A great way to try on different names is at coffee shops or food trucks. Maybe when Jasper’s order is called, it will feel perfect for you. Maybe it’ll give you the ick. Either way, you learn something.

Identity and gender and presentation can be fun, and I want everyone—nonbinary or not—to get to explore and play in the gender sandbox.

​Are nonbinary people trans?

That depends, and it’s up to each individual. Again, your identity is your own. I am trans, but that doesn’t mean every agender person identifies that way.

Being trans means not identifying with the gender assigned to you at birth. Some nonbinary people do identify with the gender assigned to them at birth, but also with another gender, or with no gender at all. They may or may not consider themselves trans.

​What pronouns do nonbinary people use?

Any pronouns they want! While in English we often call he and she gendered pronouns, there is no actual inherent gender within them. Someone could like to be called he and identify as a woman. There’s nothing wrong with that, because—say it with me now—your identity is your own.

Some nonbinary people use neopronouns, such as e/em or xe/xem. Personally, I use they/them because thats what feels good to me. I don’t like he or she because our society is so gendered that those words come with baggage.

​How do I do better at using my nonbinary friends’ pronouns?

Practice, practice, practice. Practice their pronouns—and here’s the important part: with other people. Don’t practice with them. Practice with a mutual friend. Talk about them to your cat, to your dishwasher. That way, by the time you talk to them, it’s old hat.

Another helpful strategy: stop gendering strangers. There’s no need to assume the gender of people you interact with. You can refer to your favorite barista, who has a beard, as they. You can refer to a stranger with long hair and a dress as they. The more you do this, the more you realize there’s no right way to present as a man, or a woman, or both, or neither. Your brain will stop defaulting to certain pronouns depending on certain characteristics, so you’ll get better at getting your friends’ pronouns right.

​How do I support nonbinary people?

Loudly, and not only when we’re around. Be inclusive even if you don’t know if a nonbinary person is in your group. Often this is as simple as adjusting your language—no need to address a group as ladies and gentlemen, and also, there’s no such thing as “the opposite gender/sex.” Again, intentionally refer to people whose pronouns you don’t know as they. A stranger getting my pronouns right sets off a little explosion of fireworks and confetti inside my heart. It’s the best.

Once you start noticing the way our society imposes gender norms on everything from clothes to hair to toys to jobs to personalities, you can start deconstructing them for yourself. It’s very freeing to realize that you can make your life and your appearance whatever you want it to be, no matter what other people say.

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